What does your partner find sexy about your disability?
From http://adultfriendfinder.com - long but
worthwhile!
The question was an attempt to focus on sexy as a normal part
of the disability experience and relationships. It seemed
to me that we were getting to the point where we could not
talk about being sexy without the D word popping up.
Anyone who gets involved with someone who has a disability
becomes suspect and is assumed a devotee. This does an injustice
to all parties.
The person attracted to someone with a disability automatically
gets labeled as having a fetish and his or her motives are
called into question. The partner with the disability
is assumed unattractive, suggesting one must be imbalanced
to be attracted to us. And the person who is actually sexually
oriented to some aspect of a disability -- whether it be
a brace or a stump or a leg bag -- is automatically assumed
to be deviant in all aspects of his or her sexual relationships.
Sexual relationships and sexual orientations are much
more complex than this.
Just because someone finds something sexy or attractive
about a various aspect of a disability, say a scar for example,
doesn't make him or her a devo or a deviate. I would not
characterize my wife as a devo yet there are things she finds
sexy about me related to my disability.
For example, there's an indent in my hip where they
took bone out for an anterior fusion in my neck, and my wife
likes to feel it.
I also have a wide scar on my abdomen from
some surgery. It's very smooth and she traces it with
her finger. My fingers are contracted and when we were first
courting she used to almost unconsciously stretch them
out and massage them as we talked. Sexy doesn't have
to be just physical. It could be the way you relate. I could
go on, but others have their own perspectives to add to the
mix.
As expected when doing research on sexuality and disability,
some people thought the question was provocative, others
perverse, and still others, plain perverted. As I explained
to some, the actual question really just serves as a bridge
into discussions around this topic. People will interpret
and react to it from their own perspective. The responses
are important as they add richness to the various dimensions
of our relationships.
Love is blind
Quadlover said he has often wondered about this question
and suggested maybe it is true that love is blind. For many
it was. They didn't see the disability, only the person.
L&k says My babe is 6 months new to a C5-C6 SCI,
incomplete injury. I find her extremely sexy. I always
have and I always will. She is the same person to me, inside
and out, as before her injury. Though she can't walk,
we continue to do things together, spend time, etc., as
before. That's what really counts.
Annonymous notes, I didn't know the person
I love before (the disability), but I have seen pictures.
They are just as sexy to me now as they are in those pictures
... more so maybe because of the special person they are
inside and out. And gorgeous -- gorgeous indeed!
Darlene, who has cerebral palsy, asked her able-bodied
partner, who replied, Who said I found anything
about your disability sexy? How about you send something
in that says I find YOU sexy notwithstanding your disability.
Scooter said, The bottom line is women aren't
attracted to me because of my chair, but because of the man
sitting in it. Keith asked his spouse what she found
sexy or exciting about his disability and she simply stated,
The guy that comes with the disability. Go
figure, he says.
The whole package
Ingrid was inspired to ask her partner, Robert, of 18 years
what he finds sexy about her. He said it was the whole
package, particularly her enthusiasm, her sense
of fun, her hugs, her body weight and her body color. She
then asked him the opposite question: does he find anything
unsexy about her disability. She thought he might mention
the fact that he has to position her, but all he said was that
sometimes he felt pain during intercourse because her
pelvis is tilted as her hips are inverted due to cerebral
palsy. Ingrid guesses that they just love each other.
Nicko was afraid this might be a very short article as sexy
is not a word she connects with her disability.
Her husband
thought she was sexy before her accident, and he still finds
her sexy. She thinks it is despite her disability, not because
of it. She writes, I think he admires my mind and spirit,
because of the way I deal with problems and keep a big smile
on my face. But I think he'd like the old bod' back
as much as I would.
Attitude is everything
Veranda notes, My partner says what makes me sexy
is the way that I carry myself. I still wear cute and sexy
clothes, faithfully go get my nails done, and every three
months I get my hair colored or touched up with highlights
because I believe I have no limits. And he also says (he likes)
the way I still want to have a sexual relationship even though
I'm in a chair. I also have a scar on my leg that he always
rubs and says is sexy. To paraphrase a bit from Forest Gump,
I think sexy is what sexy does.
From Greg, My spouse likes my availability. I have
MS and I get to stay home a lot. I conserve what energy I do
have for spending time with my lover.
Scars
Many people related to my example of a scar. Maybe as Scooter
noted it is because every scar tells a story about us. Angus
has noticed that when girls rub the scar on the back of his
neck their eyes light up. Chicks dig scars!
he says.
Guys do too. Chipper wrote that her husband really likes
her strong arms and the scars on her back from all the spine
surgery she has had.
I find that he traces the scars
on my back when he is tense and when he is aroused.
Erica was quite excited about the scar thing also: Actually
a lot of the guys I dated LOVED this scar I have on my belly
right above my belly button from where they opened me up
to check for any internal bleeding. ... They thought the
scar was sexy as hell. ... I used to be so self conscious about
my scars and now I like them.
Muscles
Mishapie shared that her boyfriend with a T4 injury from
eight years ago has the most beautiful arms and shoulders
she has ever seen or felt. He doesn't understand
why I'm so turned on when he flexes his arm in my hand
... and now I'm comfortable enough to not be self-conscious
when I touch him where he can't feel. ... He's so
beautiful to me, all over.
'It's all bad'
There were a few out there who could see nothing sexy about
disability. One person noted that there were non-disability
related things about him that his wife liked, but there
were no physical, mental or emotional traits brought on
by his disability that she likes (or that he liked, for that
matter). It's all bad, he said.
While we cannot do much to change the physical, I have to
believe there is hope to improve the mental and emotional
outlook. Our choice of our outlook on life is one thing that
is within our control, and sexy is in the eye of the beholder.
For those who have questioned how anyone can find them attractive
with a disability, here is your answer! Partners do find
us -- including things about our disability -- sexy! Disabled
does not equal unattractive and disability has the potential
to bring out some admirable qualities. Sometimes we don't
believe it when our own partner says we are still sexy because
we may feel so different from people without disabilities
or from ourselves, in the case of an acquired disability.
I think it is affirming for everyone to hear partners'
perspectives.